Reflection on God's Word

ADVICE FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN

by Tim Thomas

June 13, 2007

Ephesians 6:1-4

Following Paul's description of how faith in Jesus ought to affect the marriage relationship, he addresses here how faith ought to effect the relationship between a father and his children. He begins with telling children to obey their parents "in the Lord". The idea of "obeying" is easily understood, but the questions for us to answer are, "Does this verse apply to adult children?" and "How does 'in the Lord' change the meaning of the command?" Most commentaries seem to understand the requirement to "obey" to be restricted to children, or possibly those still living in their father's or mother's house. I think this applies to those who have not "launched" from the nest. The idea of adult children who have estalished their own households having to "obey" their parents would be contrary to the rest of Scripture.

The "in the Lord" comment can be interpreted in a number of ways. Commentator Alfred Barnes suggests that it means that commands clearly outside the Lord's will -- such as to steal or kill -- are ones that children should not obey. The Amplified Bible suggests that it is because parents represent or are "types" for God, and that is why "in the Lord" is added. In both cases, the interpretation is that "in the Lord" refers back to "obey". What if "in the Lord" refers back to "parents", instead of "obey". This would have the possible meaning that Paul is referring to those who either led us to the Lord or mentor us in faith. While this alternative understanding is not without support elsewhere (e.g., Hebrews 13:17; 1 Timothy 5:17; 1 Peter 5:5) , because Paul makes reference to one of the Ten Commandments in the next two verses which explicitly applies to parents and their natural (as opposed to spiritual) children, my guess is that Paul intended us to interpret this verse as applying to natural parents.

One commentary (Jamieson, Fausett, and Brown) pointed out that the word here, "obey", used for the relationship of children to their parents, is much stronger than the word "submit" used for the relationship of the wife to her husband. This supports my earlier comments about "submit" not meaning "obey".

As Paul quotes from the Ten Commandments, we are reminded that the command is not simply to obey our parents, but to honor them. Honor means to show respect to them and for them. I believe that the verse from the Ten Commandments refers to children of all ages.

In our day and age in which we hear horrible stories about parents who hurt their children or who abandon their children, we recognize that applying this verse will be difficult for some. Indeed, even under Old Testament law, these parents would likely receive severe punishment for their actions. So honoring parents does not entail trying to justify our parents' sins.

Here's what I think the Lord was thinking when He issued this command: parents represent God to us. It is indeed an imperfect representation, and in some cases a terrible representation. Nonetheless, as "God-figures", they are worthy of our honor and respect. The alternative is what we struggle with in Western society: a lawlessness and disrespect for all authority. This kind of rebellion against authority is a fruit of the anti-Christ, and if we find ourselves struggling with issues of disrespect and rebellion, we need to come to God for cleansing and renewal of our minds.

For those whose parents were clearly in the "normal" range, but who made the usual mistakes, it is easier to recognize and forgive their failings, in that we share in their humanity. I am learning every day that being a good parent is not easy. Between distraction and fatigue, it is often difficult to know how to read every situation and adjust my intervention to the unique characters of my children. I'm sure I've made many mistakes, I'm just not always sure which things I did were the mistakes! But I hope my kids will be able to feel like I did some positive things for them, which will help them honor me and my wife. Likewise, I recognize the positive things my parents did for me, for which I give them honor, for their actions, and for who they were and are in my life.

The final verse in this section is instruction to fathers, in particular, and parents in general. Sometimes we as parents get really intense about teaching our children to obey. Perhaps we think of other Scriptures that teach us the importance of parents raising their children to be respectful. Verse 4 here, however, tells us that true wisdom and true love demand that we recognize that we can become so insistent on obedience that we actually exasperate, frustrate, and embitter our children. So even if we succeed in making them obey at a given moment, we might lose the long-range objective of shaping their hearts to be able to receive the love of God and to walk in love and obedience to the Lord when they are adults.

Where this line is between teaching obedience and embittering our children is not clearly defined -- which means that parenting is more of an art than a science. If you are sensitive to God and your children, you can often sense when you are on the verge of crossing that line. If you do cross the line, the only thing you can do is seek forgiveness from your child, and try to make things right with them. Oftentimes, making things right means demonstrating humility, affirming our love for them, and then re-establishing for them the freedom to make bad decisions, at least in the area in which they are old enough to make bad decisions.

The last part of verse 4 is also worthy of our attention. We are told to bring up our children in the training of the Lord. Sounds great.... but how do we do that? I think that it must involve both living a godly example, and speaking words that confirm our motivation. Teaching the Bible alone is insufficient, because there is hardly a soul that does not hate -- and readily see -- hypocrisy. This often leads to cynicism and rebellion in our kids. On the other hand, leading a godly life without ever telling why we live and act the way we do leaves our children clueless. This can result in them learning to live good lives, but not ever knowing and loving the Lord, because their observation of our actions is disconnected from understanding our motivation, which is to demonstrate our love for God by walking in obedience to Him. Combining teaching and example creates a balance that, with the help of God, will lead to our children making free choices to give their hearts and lives to God.